Where was God when I needed Him the most?

We all have a story. A story of encountering heartbreak, growth, healing, redemption, suffering, wholeness, recovery, fear, and even strength. Our lives have been held together by the weaving of experiences that can often make us wonder how we got to the place we are standing today.

Our story can be complicated, a web of circumstances that have shaped us into who we are in this moment, and sometimes even left us with scars from who we once were.

Within our story is a series of substantial moments in our lives that have altered the trajectory of where we were headed, and led us to something unexpected: a hope, a promise, and maybe even a fear or a disappointment.

Seasons of life tend to be full of these moments. The weight of these experiences feel like one piece of bad luck after another. Or, seasons where we feel unworthy of the gifts and blessings thrown our way. And sometimes, seasons that leave you questioning, "Have I been forgotten?" and "How did I get here?"

Seasons can be quick and impactful, or long and drawn out, leaving us to our own devices and searching for answers amongst the lessons.

Many of us have walked through hard seasons. Times when we are left to wonder where in the world God was when we felt the weight of suffering. Asking ourselves, "Why didn't God show up when I needed Him the most?"

And this is where our vision is exposed as skewed. What we don't realize, is that God has been there all along. We have just chosen to place our circumstances between Him and ourselves instead of placing our circumstances at the foot of the cross.

God, the author, and perfector of our faith, stands with his hands wide open, holding a place and a space for the events that life throws at us, and yet we choose to keep a firm grasp on the broken parts of us in fear that we won't know what to do without them. Who would we be if we just let go and allowed God to take control?

I have been in a long season of learning how to trust Him. For far too long I placed my trust in my own hands and expected Him to take them for me when I needed to be handing it to him from the start.

For what felt like forever, I stood in the middle of a season where the lessons were hard. This particular one, I felt, never had an end and I could never quite pinpoint the beginning. I had experienced a breaking of ties with a dear friend. One of those losses that leave you yearning for connection and searching for the thing to bring it back to what it once was. I fought tooth and nail, to get that back. I thought, this is what God wants me to do. Fight for the thing I want most. He will see my dedication and persistence, and he will fix what has been broken. Right?

And persistently, all I did was fight. I wanted to prove my worth, hoping that if I was seen as valuable enough, my friend would come back.

And then one day, in a simple God moment, I realized I had been fighting for something God hadn't even handed to me, let alone something He didn’t ask me to fight for. And as much as this realization hurt when it hit, knowing that the thing I had spent so long fighting for was not actually mine to battle, released so much angst and fear from my spirit. Who I had become was wrapped around trying to establish my worth with someone who wasn’t God.

It's so easy to maintain a firm grip on the things that bind us. On the realities of our lives that are painful and unwavering, but the truth is, we were never meant to carry those things. We were only meant to experience life as it happens and place in front of us our faith, hope, and trust in Jesus alone. Our rose colored glasses can quickly turn into shades when we hold captive our hard moments and fail to see God in the midst.

Our circumstances may change the way in which our life's path leads, but they will never change the truth of who we are in Christ.

No matter what we have walked through.

He is there.

No matter what choices we have made.

He remains.

No matter how many times we want to give up.

He persists.

Feeling as if God isn’t in the details is just our own way of holding too tightly to the things we want to change.

The next time you ask yourself "Where was God when I needed Him the most?" Remember that he is standing in the same place he was when you were formed, front and center, waiting for you to allow his work to be the biggest thing in your life. In order to see the truth of your circumstances, you have to look through Him from the beginning.